Fez Monkeys Throughout History

The First Fez Monkey

It is widely believed that the Fez Monkey tradition began when a primal simian became alpha male after accidentally adorning himself with fruit. Females are thought to have been attracted by this symbolic sign of a good provider. A substitute adornment less attractive to fruit flies was sought and the evolution toward the modern fez was begun.

The smoking tradition presumably was added after all the excess mating.

Bruegel the Brush Sucker

The years of hunger and isolation, the fumes of turpentine and linseed oil, the lead and cadmium pigment poisoning from subconsciously sucking his brushes while deep in thought, and his incessant consumption of wine and pipe tobacco all contributed to the intense madness that a mere decade after his suicide would spawn a successful revolution in painting that continues to the present day. His choice of hues would come not from nature nor their mechanical positions on the color wheel. He would match his colors instead to the couch.

The Homecoming

After a prolonged and dismal venture into society, Jack the Monkey returned to his tribal homestead bowing and calling himself Jacques Macaque, a name with too many q's and unpronounced letters. How primitive his former companions now seemed, still smoking tobacco and wearing the comic red fez of the simple entertainer. They marveled at how foppish and sissified he'd become, yet they said nothing, hoping that in spite of his utter failure he might still be good for a free banana or a pinch of good snuff.

The Duel

The duel was inconsequential. Both monkeys were too drunk to get off a good shot or remember the original premise of their quarrel. They went to the pub, split a bottle of absinthe and took turns holding the other's hat and gun while he vomited. Of historical import is the onlooker, the forgotten fez monkey's financially dependent partner, who at that moment was conceiving the notion of life insurance.

Simone Simian

Perhaps history's most fashionable Fez Monkey, Simone Simian was also musically gifted. When an errant partridge chanced to perch itself in her pear tree, she was inspired to write a song.

"Get Out of Here, You Dirty Bird!" never was a hit, but her risque performances caused quite a stir at the local cabaret.



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